I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
