i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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