Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
