when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
