Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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