foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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