We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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