i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
