Please, let me fuck your mom
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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