Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
