I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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