Got a toothbrush?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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