Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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