Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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