bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
