Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
accomplished twins. life is a go
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
