From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
