We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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