she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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