Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
