Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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