if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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