it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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