its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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