I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
