i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
