I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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