I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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