WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
