my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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