A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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