She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
