I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
