He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
