so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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