i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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