tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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