Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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