my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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