im drinking this country out of the recession.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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