I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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