I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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