I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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