he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
