and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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