well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I wish there were birth control emojis
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Everyone says I win the strip club
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
