it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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