y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
