The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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