i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
