Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
