Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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