Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
