If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
