I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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