theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
