I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Randomize
